There is a part of me that loves ordering things and finds a lot of satisfaction in routine and doing the ‘right thing’ (perhaps because of the significant Virgo placements in my chart). This applies to physical things in my life like order in my surroundings and my daily schedule, but also on an emotional level – order in my feelings and order about my understanding of other people’s feelings. For me, order is understanding – as the old saying goes, whatever is measured, improves. I am driven to work which involves orderring things like data and information.

However, following prolonged periods of discipline and order, I find pulled to ‘relapse’ and ‘release’ – ie that the order is too constrictive and binding and I feel the need to push back, break the shackles and just rebel against the order. This feeling has been the bane of any consistent programs or progress in my life. Whatever I am able to achieve with a few weeks of order is completely lessened by one wild night/weekend so that I am back to where I started having endured mental suffering without any outcome.

I have searched a lot for the cause of this need to ‘relapse’ over the years. My current most direct understanding of this desire to relapse is that I am subconsciously creating this desire myself, not that it is appearing randomly because I am defective or dont naturally have sufficient willpower (something I used to believe as the cause of why I am naturally bound to fail).

I am subconscionsly creating this desire to relapse because the dopamine I initially received from becoming disciplined and ordered tends to lose its flavour of the course of days and weeks. So, the boredom of the discipline and order seeps in because this problem that I was solving through discipline has now (for practical purposes) been solved. That is, the dopamine I was getting from solving my problems is gone because now I am in the solution without having the dopamine of the outcome (since the outcome takes time).

There is a part in the process of the solution when you are just doing the reps. Over the course of days/weeks, the system comes in its own place where you dont need to think about it too much. But that has positives and negatives. The positive is that you can turn your mind to something else. But, if you have been getting a lot of dopamine and serotinin from trying to solve the problem and now you dont need to think about it anymore, there is a sudden gap in those chemicals and emotions in the mind.

So, there is a period where my mind is not generating the dopamine and serotonin I need because: (1) I am not in the chaos where I have to figure out how to solve this issue and (2) I have not received the fruits of solving the issue.

The mundane-ness of life is inherent in putting together the solution. And that mundane-ness brings a loss of sense of meaning for me, which I was initially getting when I was trying to solve the issues in my head. I feel that I have honed my brain for thinking and when, suddenly, the need to use the tool goes away, it is a gap in chemical and feeling that snowballs over the course of days.

When I create the chaos, then I get the pleasure of the chaos and the pleasure of solving the chaos.

So, I believe my brain artificially creates a problem or tension whether via bad habits or by manifesting certain events. It creates a story where the problem or tension becomes necessary for me, so as to give me a sense of meaning. One of the starkest ways this became apparent to me was in terms of relationship when I said to myself all I was looking for was someone who was “nice”. And yet, when the opportunity presented itself in the form of someone who was nice, my mind discarded that option as “she is too nice, she could never keep me excited”. That was the first time I realised that I had built a system that was providing me a lot of pleasure about thinking about a future partner that I didnt want to let go of by actually having the solution.

The artificial creation of problems is something very common that humans do to learn and have fun. In fact, all games and puzzles are just artificial probelms we choose to solve. Kids learn through games how to prepare themselves for the real issues.

A big part of me consciously loves the artificial creation of problems. I am very aware that all my problems are psychological and that I suffer more in imagination than in real life. I am very grateful that I have no physical dangers and that I could, if I wanted, live my whole life in the current circumstances without issue. But, I want to create artificial probelms for myself – like the problem of finding a better job, or finding a new business etc – to keep the excitement in life and to grow. But even with these consciously chosen artificial problems, I sometimes need to remind myself to step back, realise I am choosing to engage in this game, and be grateful what I already have.

With subconsciously created artificial problems, it is much harder to realise that you are creating those problems yourself. But once you shine a light on it, a lot of things become clearer. I am subconsciously creating artificial problems to keep an excitement in my life because my brain is addicted to thinking about problems and it can only do that when there is a sense of chaos. I am subconsciously choosing not to let the river of my life run smoothly.

On to some solutions:

1. Finding a different problem to concern your mind: this seems the easiest way for me to stop creating friction. Once I am in the process of the solution, you have to quickly give your mind something else to concern itself – a big challenge since it is not meant for ease – so that it stops craving the friction and chaos in the primary goal you are purs where you are serving other people and going beyond one self.
2. Rebuilding an identity that accepts the boredom: this will be hard to do. You will have to admit to yourself that “I am boring”. When I think in terms of relationship, I am so excited by the prospect of a dramatic intense and passionate romance becuase of the drama and emotional turmoil it brings that my mind craves. Despite how much I might say I want someone “nice”, if I am subconsciously craving someone who will put me through the drama then I will never let a nice person come into my life. So, I have to create an identity of someone who is able to accept the nice love. One way I am working on that is to see the other benefits that come with a nice love. For example, having a stable supporting relationship gives me the space to think about and pursue other goals. I can imagine being completely focused and determined on another goal while being in the midst of a loving nice relationship. That is simply not possible when I am craving the drama.
3. Asymmetry and spontaneity – It is likely that doing the right thing consistently is the most efficient way to achieve most goals. For example, writing daily is a great way to become a great writer. However, I sometimes like to adopt an asymmetric timetable for things that achieve the same thing but with a bit more space for spontaneity. For example, if I know I have to clean the house and do the laundry every week, instead of creating a disciplined rule that I will do it every Saturday morning, I just do it whenever I get time and want to. One week it will be on Wednesday. Another, on Sunday. With working out, I might go to the gym Monday – Friday for three weeks but Wednesday to Sunday in the fourth week. This way I still get the things done without having the burden of a rule. The asymettry helps to ease the pressure of discipline.
4. Rest – often I find that the craving for ‘relapse’ can be avoided by meaningful rest. Rest for me means stepping away from the process and just not doing anything else in pursuit of that specific goal. It means putting my body and mind away from the goal. During rest periods, I try not to focus on anything else either. With rest, I find that my brain then naturally craves going back to the solution. And while I might have missed one day of gym, it is better than relapsing on the weekend where I undo the work I have done for 4 weeks in one night. And in reality, giving myself the permission to miss the gym instantly creates a desire in me to go the gym since I have taken away the shame and guilt from it. This is why rest and permission to rest is so important.