One of the most interesting nuances I have realised recently is the difference between having a great big goal as a means of expanding what you think is possible vs as a means of escaping the terribleness of the present.

I was playing around with some astrology readings based on my birth chart and got effectively told that, based on the position of Saturn and Jupiter on my chart, I was a “late bloomer” and my success would not arrive until I was 35. That my chart was one that would reward patience and long term discipline.

A rush of mixed feelings went through me on reading that. There was initial sense of gladness to know that I had time to achieve success. But then also a sense of disappointment and sadness that came from a flash of instant realisation when I saw what I have been doing so clearly.

I realised that I had been counting a lot on becoming succesful to escape really difficult feelings. Feelings that I had not been present enough in the past, feelings that I had not taken enough opportunities and had enough fun and risk, feeling that I could have acted better. IN previous moments, despite how fun it got, I had been so pre-occupied with looking to the future and how much better/different life would be in the future that I felt ashamed about missing out on the past. I was using the feeling of becoming succesful as a finishing line to prove to myself and to others that it was all worth – all the missing out on the past. I also wanted to show others how much better off I was as a way to win.

I thought that if I attempted enough things that I would strike on gold automatically and so would become an overnight success and again the present wouldnt matter anymore. This was that sense of rushing – the rushing through now as quickly as possible to get to the end to make what I have done in the process okay.

In a way, I was using my goals as a way to rush through the present because I felt the present was not good enough. It is difficult to describe the limits of the nuance. On the one hand, our desire to change the now calls on us to move ahead. But on the other hand, too much dissatisfaction with the now also creates a desire to rush to the end. You dont just want your goals, you want it NOW.

If I truly believed that I was guaranteed to be successful by next 10 years, this is not the life I would be living. Theres two aspects to this: one the certainty of a future reward and two the reward after a long time (10 year wait). In both cases, there is a sense of lightness that comes with patience. The lightness that I dont have to do too much now and that I can have fun while doing consistent effort. That I dont need to torture myself for an immediate reward. It is much better to build long term ways of rest and work than to burnout. I am in for a marathon and so I need to train and recover like that. The lightness also comes from the pressure leaving me to increase my rate of learning. I can take the time to learn and dig deeper.

In all honesty, I can feel that I dont have the skills currently to really hold the immense amount of success I want. But I know I can build them and I am glad that I have time with me. I want to use the time in a better way to really enjoy life and the path to success. There is a lot of past I can look back on and wish I had enjoyed it more, and if I rush through success, its possible then these moments will just be added to the list of nostalgia.